It’s 2012…and today especially marks a new beginning. It’s a new day, a new week, a new month and a new year all rolled into one.

I could make a list of resolutions to quit - HA! - but I think I’m actually going to focus on where I am which is a happy place.

Yeah so, my money aint right, neither is my wardrobe and my place is a mess… not to mention that a slew of other things are out of order too BUT I realize that all those elements present the choice to either be stressed or say F*ck It! It took time to get that way and it’ll take time to correct. 

NOW!!! The important thing is this psuedo-relationship that I’m in. I’m…..content with it, but things need to be shaken up a bit. I need a break to do my own thing again! My little random run-ins were such a blast!!! I miss that! The thing is, I’m not looking for physical connections, I just want those little momentary, things-all-pause flirts! 

And THAT I shall do once again but is it wrong that I don’t tell him that’s what I’m out doing???? We’ll see so stay tuned!

When people start telling themselves what they’re going to do different in the new year….including me. *smile*

For starter’s I want to start dating for real, FOR REAL…casual dates that are fun for that moment. No intentions. No commitment, just…”Hey, let’s catch a movie” or “will you be my date for such-n-such event” (lol, I hope you’ve heard of such-n-such before!).

I’m open to commitment but after my own “series of unfortunate events” I need to experience Dating: Lite.  Of course I still have my little “Run-ins with Randoms” and my “Friends with Strangers” moments but a real date, intentionally planned, is the way to go.

I miss those youthful, carefree days of love and relationships. The days when I was left with that gushing feeling after I got home from a date. I would sometimes stand alone in my apartment clutching my coat to my nose to smell his scent on me.

I remember when just seeing that special someone’s name appear on the caller ID would cause a chemical reaction. Answering Hello in a sing-songy voice, so intently listening to the tone of his voice, I would become oblivious to my surroundings!  Bueller….Bueller LOL

The idle chit-chat about any damn thing would last until wee hours of night, only to receive a wakeup call the following morning.  I would start the day with a smile so big it was if someone replaced my toothpaste with plaster. *imagine that* The texts and emails sent intermittently through the day was like having rose petals sprinkled in my path leading back to him.

And once I was back to him!!! Honey!!! It was like nothing else mattered but his arms and me being in them. His embrace made me feel like no harm would ever come to me. Something about his kisses sent a signal to my knees saying “Okay, let’s buckle on the count of 3!”  Wow…. the thought of all.

I was just venting…

So…. Anyway… [yeah I picked up the story from months ago as if I never stopped lol]

Thing 2 enters the utility closet and all I saw was RED - not from anger - but from his WHOOOOLE outfit being red except his jeans. Although he wasn’t wearing a MULTITUDE of accessories unlike his counterpart, each one he wore had a unique - shall we say FLARE - to it. I’m not sure if I should start from the top or bottom….hmm, let me build a foundation:

RED! PATENT! LEATHER! SHOES!!!

Yes, let’s start with THAT minor detail folks…red. patent. leather. shoes…oh the horror! The inhumanity! The injustice! But I’ll keep going…

The jeans were just some jeans, nothing noteworthy HOWEVER!!! His belt looked like a prison art project…something like interwoven comic strips with a scotch tape overlay; then again, it looked like an assortment of 1 sq. cm ceramic tiles of every imaginable color neatly glued in rows of a MILLION!!! I’ll call it (pause) a kaleidoscope belt! Moving on…

The T-shirt was an inch from a cap-sleeve…or shall we say…a baby tee! In RED of course. The interesting detail was the Mardi Gras assortment of chains, necklaces and rosary beads…yes mm-hmm wooden rosary beads… with Jesus on the cross…wearing the infamous crown of thorns and a loin cloth…yes mm-hmm, among the chains and necklaces…and I say necklaces to indicate they were slightly longer than a choker…

And we’re walking…

STOP at the earrings with his name on them…not one but a pair…with his name… to match the jewelry that matches that belt that matches the shoes that matches his baby tee that matches…his…hat *catching my breath*

At this point, my eyes are stretching BEYOND peripheral range trying to make contact with my friend. Before I know it, she sarcastically says: “Oh this is nice” as she rubs the beads as i she’s rubbing for the Savior’s mercy upon us! LOL He responds: “Yeah, I like to keep Jesus close to my heart”

OH…oh ok *blink, blink*

Me Thinking: At the club…at all times…close to your heart…yeah

In the meanwhile, Thing 1 is blinged out like a disco ball and eager to show us a good time. He’s sprayed cologne on every part of his body except his damn eyelids. Expecting the worst, we, being good sports, stepped out the door, escorted by Thing 1 and Thing 2 with the hopes of at least getting a good drink!

WRONG!

We get to the club and had to pay our way in…they, on the otherhand got in for free with their resort employee badge BUT GET THIS! With our paid admission, we each got a drink ticket. They present the following deal: “Why don’t you give us the drink ticket and we’ll just buy your drinks”. Sounds fair right?

WRONG!

There were no seats, only booths which were only available with drink service. Okay, now we’re getting somewhere. The waitress shows us the menu and they tell us to pick something…anything we like…my friend points to Dom Perignon…WHY??? LMAO Thing 2, used his index finger to cut off the top three choices; we chose the second from the top - Moet. Just our luck: they’re out! Our next selection was available and delivered to our table. At this point, I wanted my drink ticket back. This bubbly, grape-flavored drink lead to a headache and a upset stomach, yech!!!!

FAST FORWARD»»

I figured dancing might help the night, after all, the music was pretty good. A mix of American and Dominican music that kept the crowd hype.  All was going well in the Land of WTF until this lunatic started dancing like a Magic City stripper!!! All I saw was back and booty popping. I didn’t know whether to make it rain or make a run for it! I maintained my cool and made my way back to booth where my friend was getting a lapdance - 2 Live Crew style - from Thing 1. Yes, mm-hmm, with the rosary beads on…at all times…close to his heart!! LOLOLOL

We ended the night with fake yawning and telling them we were leaving very early in the morning.

We saw Thing 1 the next day on our way out…he asked could he keep in touch. No habla espanol mi amigo! LOL

#DoneWithThatIsh!!

So I don’t really like to label people stupid… unless they are…and they WERE. This HAS got to be one of the craziest things I have experienced thus far. Read on…

So we agree to let Thing 1 (Stupid Is) and Thing 2 (Stupid Does) accompany us. Now, being the two Detroit savvy ladies that we are, we were dressed appropriately, and by appropriately I mean, we were cute but we had on some “let’s get the F*ck up outta here (GTFOH)” shoes on for just in case we had to get the F*ck up outta there. LOL BUT THOSE TWO!!!! -Think The GoodFellas meets Soulja Boy…..YES seriously.

Let me paint this picture for you **pulls out my painter’s palette like Bob Ross (you know Bob, the painter on PBS…the white guy with the afro…yeah, him)**

Landscape: All four of us took a cab from the resort but made a pit stop so they could change clothes. Thing 1 kept stating that he was going to show us his “Luggs-jou-ree” (luxury) apartment after which he repeated several times, “because I aint no bum ass” OOOOKKAAAYYYY O_o. Meanwhile, I observe an armed guard at the security gate as we drive up. Not to mention, the guard confiscated the taxi driver’s license before we entered this “compound”. I’m thinking, “WTF did we get ourselves into?” So here we come to our first crossroad -Do we chance it and sit in the cab while they change with a driver that doesn’t speak ANY English OR do we step inside with them? We decided to see these so-called luxury apartments which looks like a Red Roof Inn so far…

Brushstroke Detail: So he proudly invites me and my friend in like we’re about to step foot into the Taj Mahal, only to stop dead in our tracks when we realize it was more like Hakim & Semmi’s “plush” apartment in Coming to America. I mean I literally took one and a half strides and came to a HALT when I realized that I could see the bed, couch, coffee table, two barstools, bookshelf/makeshift bar stand, sink, cupboards and HOTPLATE from where I was standing…AT THE DOOR! The only other, dare I say, room was the bathroom which was steps away from the front door. He motions for us to have a seat on the couch -two paces to the left -and to “excuse his place”.

EXCUSE HIS PLACE??? Excuse this utility closet! Oh, excuse me, Luggs-jou-ree apartment!

Brushstroke Detail: **dips my brush in a new color** He’s hyped now! You know somebody is hyped when they clap while they talk.

He: “So (CLAP), I’m about to show y’all how (CLAP) we (CLAP) do(CLAP) it. Don’t worry I’m going to show (CLAP) ya’ll a good (CLAP) assed time (CLAP). Ya’ll won’t have to worry about nothing. Ya’ll (CLAP) with(CLAP) me(CLAP).”

Us: **Without moving, we smile nervously and make PERIPHERAL eye contact with each other**

He: (Towards me) Can you toss me those shorts behind you?

Me: **looks over my shoulder, reaches behind and tosses shorts as if I were playing catch with an old, partially blind, lame dog**

He: “Yeah, these are my lucky shorts…I’m wearing these because I might get lucky tonight, hahaha.” **Does an about-face and takes one step into the bathroom**

Us: **We turn to each other and bust out laughing** “Girl, is this real life?”, I ask before being startled when he hops out the bathroom wearing a XXXX SMALL white t-shirt over a white tank, a pair of jeans with his belt buckle, resembling a page from a pop-up book, purposely situated over his left pocket. Now he’s about 4 foot and 11 13/16 inches tall and built like he’s been serving 25 to life.

He: “These my kicks right here. Ya’ll don’t know nothing about these. These are fresh to def!” **reaches underneath the bed and pulls out a pair a gym shoes that looked like some damn Heelys!!!**

We are in utter shock and at a total loss of words at this point. As he bends over to put on these damn Go! Diego Go!, Reebok Pumps with the lights and shock bubble sneakers, when **knock, knock**, “‘Ellooo”, in walks Thing 2 looking like the Ringmaster of the f**king Barnum and Bailey Circus!!!!

By now, I must have the Michael Jackson Thriller zombie eyes from the look of sheer disbelief!!

(to be continued)…

(DISCLAIMER: This story may not be suitable for my MALE audience..but you know what, on second thought, you need to read about the UNIVERSAL blunders of men. Scroll down to ***)

So, no, I’m not a pirate but I did take a voyage to the Dominican Republic this April and I LOOOOVED….the resort.

My daily routine consisted of floating across the pool, marveling at the sight of the sun and the moon both visible at midday. I indulged in delectable dishes of worldly cuisines washed away with premium blends of rum and cognac. At night, I pleasured in the sounds of the ocean as its waves ebbed and flowed along the beach. For the first time in a long time, I viewed the stars and constellations, seemingly picturesque, twinkling brightly in the midnight sky. I was warmly greeted by the staff and had all of my needs tended to, anytime -day or night. Beautiful, huh?

But CMON NOW! You know that’s GOT to be to the “overlay for the underlay”!!! You know ANY experience with me would NOT be complete without a WTF episode. I mean, at minimum, it’s rated “Hell Naw” due to indecent behavior. So you KNOW!! 5 Days in the Dominican???? <ahem> Dim the lights please.

*Starts the old school 2-reeled film projector*

To start, there’s Bernardo. The poolside bartender with a smile so mischievous, your hair would sweat out just from looking at it too long. Mmm!! His linen uniform draped his body in a manner that revealed alllll the contours of his muscular physique. His eyes glistened -either from the deflection of the sun’s rays upon the pool OR from them nips of rum I saw him sipping from that lil shot glass behind the bar, lol - in either case, this man was FINE. Stomp your foot Fine Mmm!…Dominican but with a 7mile/Evergreen barbershop fade and line-up Fine…That *giggle, giggle* batting your eyelashes Fine…that Ayyy Papi, Talk that ES-PAN-OL FINE!!! But come to find out, all that FINE was for Los ChicOs, no chicAs!!! Repetir por favor… YES! That’s right! Bernado was GAY. “He no likey girls”, so I was told. “He’s 50/50”

Ain’t that a !!! All that stomping, giggling and eyelash batting I DID?!?! LOL After I recovered from such devastation, I gathered my composure and continued to enjoy the sights…and I ain’t talking about the starry sky or the ocean either! When I say those men were GORGEOUS!! *sips my ice water*… Yeah I was on vacation and was Extra flirtatious -  “Yeah, yeah…I’ma email you… yeah, no foreal…I am. Si! Gracias! Adios! Hasta leugo!” I had a blast but after being in the resort for 4 straight days, it was time for something different, different sights, different sounds, different people. I suggested a club and two of the staff members kindly offered to take us to one which was pretty safe and frequently attended by the tourists. Now, it started with 8 of us going but when it came down to it, it was me and my girl. We figured, “Hey, What’s the worst the could happen”….

***Enter “Stupid Is” and “Stupid Does”… (to be continued)

…and it’s so appropriate to say as I sit in my hotel room looking down on Times Square from the 43rd floor.

Ooo…Lights. Camera. ACTION!!

So I’ve been on this blogging hiatus, not for lack of material, but for lack of time to transcribe these episodes. Funny how the more things change, the more they stay the same, READ: these mofo’s still crazy out here!!!

Since I last posted, Thong Man showed back up…remember him? The one wearing a thong for no good reason…and there could NEVER be a good reason… even if you’re a F’ing Chippendale, even still briefs are most desirable because they leave something to the imagination…SOMETHING!

So he calls with the “Hey it’s been a long time you’ve been on my mind” spiel. I briefly entertain the conversation which leads to a lunch invite. Sure. Why not? Well I’m going to tell you why not…

After the whole “embrace, have a seat, food’s served” chain of events, I notice that he’s glaring into my eyes as if he’s in pure awe at the sight of me. I’m somewhat flattered, imagining that in his mind, birds are chirping, my aura is in full glow and I’m moving in slow motion while batting my eyes with a wide grin laughing at my own jokes. I continue to imagine and he’s thinking something along the lines of “Wow, she’s gorgeous…look at how her lips purse up when she says Mm-hmm…look at how the twinkling of her lipgloss is giving her eyes a run for their money…her dimples are so alluring…” You know something like that!!! He,he,he… but after a while, his stare was getting creepy as if he was about to experience a catastrophic medical emergency.

Me: Heeey, why you looking at me like that? (as I flash a coy smile)…

Him: Oh I was just looking at your eyebrows…they are arched perfectly. They look really nice, do you do them yourself?

O_o

Me: Oh…ok…um…thanks…yeah I do.

BUT. At. That. Very. Moment: I noticed his eyebrows were arched TOO!!!!! Not that extreme, “Hmm-I’m-sorry-did-you-just-say-something” arch, but a kinda “cleaned up” arch which is strange because he barely HAS eyebrows..UT OH, yeah you know where this is going… ROY G. BIV.  For those that don’t know, that’s the anagram for the (singing) RAINBOW!

So, my conversation shifts to “So, how’s your dating life” and he proceeds to tell me that he’s actively dating people. No I mean, like, word for word he says:

“I’m actively dating people.”

What’s wrong with that you ask? Am I offended by his honesty? HELL NAW!! My mind is calculating and mapping these seemingly unrelated events and words:

1. Wearing Thongs

2. Arched eybrows

3. “Dating people”: a generic phrase which can be used to indicate the co-mingling with both the male and female species. For example, “Although I’ve been dating Kitty for sometime now, I think I really like Dick. For now, I’m actively dating people.”

Check! Please! …. No, I won’t be needing a carry-out, but a barf bag would be great if you have one…

WHHHYYYYYY? LOL

I returned from Columbus this week and nothing noteworthy occurred, at least not dating-wise but the afternoon I make it home, I had a dinner date, connected with a friend who has lived on every continent in the past 12 months and an encounter of a strange kind.

The dinner date was kinda sorta interesting. I met this guy at a conference a few years ago and we’d managed to keep in touch on a professional level. As I walked in to the restaurant for our date, I noticed Godiva chocolate (yummy!) and an envelope. As we enjoyed our Caribbean inspired cuisine, I ask about treats being displayed. So in the envelope, there were tickets to a concert this Saturday! Recall that this is one of the “moves” I blogged about before. Niiiiice!!! He admitted that he had a crush on me for sometime and would like to “hang out” more often. I’m thinking, as long as you keep pulling moves like this, hell yeah we can hang out!!! LOL So we’ll see how this unfolds, he’s an older guy (about 12 years), a graduate from prestigious universities including MIT and has held executive positions at well known automotive and defense companies, BUT above all that, he has a great personality and good heart!

As for my friend who hails from Cambodia (I think that’s the last place he lived), we have only talked by phone but I am soooo looking forward to seeing him. We always have a good time and there has always been some romantic tension between us. We shall ALSO see how this unfolds.

The kicker for the night happened at Club Fridays. Actually, it’s just a TGIFridays restaurant that has become THEE local hangout. So as I step into the place, I felt a little overdressed, after all I was still wearing my work clothes and everyone else had on their “meat market” attire. I had resolved in my mind that I would enjoy my drink and leave but nooooooooooo. I get approached by this guy who was acting as if I needed his approval of my attractiveness. There’s only so many thank you’s for the same compliment. He starts with the usual conversation and I’m yawning on the inside. Now, don’t get me wrong, he was attractive but once he started talking, I was turned off.

So here we are in a crowded, loud bar and he’s trying to be the great hood philosopher when he struck a nerve -

He: So yeah, I mean, people shouldn’t always think just because we exchange numbers that we have to try to be in a relationship. I mean, we could just conversate every now and then.

Me (thinking): I won’t be “conversating” with your boring ass.

I just shook my head in agreement and continued sipping my Remy but the more he talked I noticed his mouth was moving as if he had metal shrapnel and popcorn seeds in his mouth. I was further turned off when he ordered two beers, drank from both like a kid keeping their friends from asking to have some, and then asked “You want a beer?”

Me (thinking): Hell naw I don’t want secondhand beer with yo’ cheap, talking like you got jiffy pop in your mouth, wanting to conversate ass! Newsflash: Conversate is not a word!

Often times, people describe their “perfect mate” in terms of physical, mental and social characteristics; but me, myself, personally, I (LOL inside joke, unless you get it too, lol) have started to formulate my mate in terms of actions.  With that being said, here are some of the actions that would make me fall in love!!!

1.  I travel frequently so I would be absolutely enthralled if my mate would drive me to and from the airport.  Extra points for putting in the effort to pay for short-term parking and waiting at baggage claim with a sign that says “Welcome Home”.

2.  My ”perfect mate” would recognize that sometimes I’m too busy to think straight, so he would just tell me to be ready for date at a particular time and date. The conversation might go something like this:

Me: (answering phone): Hello?

Him: Hey Baby, how’s your schedule on Saturday?

Me: Well, you know… I have a few things to be done but I can always make time for you? ((wink)) Why, what’s up?

Him: Well, I know you mentioned you wanted to go to that concert downtown so I got us some tickets. I’ll be over to pick you up at 8:15…oh yeah, wear that red dress that I like.

YESSSSSS!!!! (appropriate time to do the Fired Up dance! LOL)

3. Now, I’m an independant woman but I’d have to say not by choice.  I’ve become influenced mostly by my college experiences and my work environment. I work in a technical field and most of my colleagues are males who are 20-40 years my senior with a surburban/rural background.  I’m a young, fresh city girl with the right credentials, the right look, and a great sense of humor (did you hear a horn tooting? lol).  BUT I have to alter my ego at times and say: ”Hey, I got this!! I know what I’m doing, what I’m talking about and have the data right here! Now back the F’k up!! Don’t coddle or discount me because I’m woman.” 

(Dusting off my blouse, reapplying lipgloss and brushing my hair to the side) However, the downside to that aggressive behavior makes dating difficult.  Men sense that and they become intimidated because they don’t know how to handle me, but guess what guys? I like flowers, candy, a genuine compliment and hand-written notes but you know my simplest pleaure is???  To Be A Passenger In Your Car! Sounds crazy?  Nope, again, it a symbolic of him being in control and allowing me to be that submissive, demure lady.

4.  The Back-of-the-Neck Kiss - this move is almost always appropriate but most effective when I’m at the counter washing dishes.  Why? Because when women clean, we think and plot and plan. I could be thinking how I’m going to go off on the snappy little chic and my job for always running her damn mouth, or, I could be thinking how I’m going to tell the boss I need a raise, or maybe I could be thinking about how am I going to get that red dress dry-cleaned before Saturday for the concert and shop for new accessories but I got an expected bill in the mail.  But imagine in an instant, all the anxiety, stress and tension would be removed if he walked up behind me, put his arms around my waist and planted one right on the back of my neck.  Mmm-mm!!! Take me now!!! LOL

5. The last move, but not the final move and in no way more or less important than the other moves, would be to grab my hand and lead me in a crowded place.  (Drops the microphone and briefly walks away).  Such a simple gesture gives me the feeling of reassurance and security; that he cares for me and will protect me.  (pausing for an imagination break….)

I know you you may be thinking, what man DOESN’T do that and my answer is a lot of them!!! They are too preoccupied with the school of thought that if I buy her this, if I give her this, if I tell her this….she should be happy.  But really, honestly, truthfully…the best things in life are SIMPLE!! 

WORD TO THE WISE:  Don’t start this if you can’t keep it up!!!

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