So I don’t really like to label people stupid… unless they are…and they WERE. This HAS got to be one of the craziest things I have experienced thus far. Read on…
So we agree to let Thing 1 (Stupid Is) and Thing 2 (Stupid Does) accompany us. Now, being the two Detroit savvy ladies that we are, we were dressed appropriately, and by appropriately I mean, we were cute but we had on some “let’s get the F*ck up outta here (GTFOH)” shoes on for just in case we had to get the F*ck up outta there. LOL BUT THOSE TWO!!!! -Think The GoodFellas meets Soulja Boy…..YES seriously.
Let me paint this picture for you **pulls out my painter’s palette like Bob Ross (you know Bob, the painter on PBS…the white guy with the afro…yeah, him)**
Landscape: All four of us took a cab from the resort but made a pit stop so they could change clothes. Thing 1 kept stating that he was going to show us his “Luggs-jou-ree” (luxury) apartment after which he repeated several times, “because I aint no bum ass” OOOOKKAAAYYYY O_o. Meanwhile, I observe an armed guard at the security gate as we drive up. Not to mention, the guard confiscated the taxi driver’s license before we entered this “compound”. I’m thinking, “WTF did we get ourselves into?” So here we come to our first crossroad -Do we chance it and sit in the cab while they change with a driver that doesn’t speak ANY English OR do we step inside with them? We decided to see these so-called luxury apartments which looks like a Red Roof Inn so far…
Brushstroke Detail: So he proudly invites me and my friend in like we’re about to step foot into the Taj Mahal, only to stop dead in our tracks when we realize it was more like Hakim & Semmi’s “plush” apartment in Coming to America. I mean I literally took one and a half strides and came to a HALT when I realized that I could see the bed, couch, coffee table, two barstools, bookshelf/makeshift bar stand, sink, cupboards and HOTPLATE from where I was standing…AT THE DOOR! The only other, dare I say, room was the bathroom which was steps away from the front door. He motions for us to have a seat on the couch -two paces to the left -and to “excuse his place”.
EXCUSE HIS PLACE??? Excuse this utility closet! Oh, excuse me, Luggs-jou-ree apartment!
Brushstroke Detail: **dips my brush in a new color** He’s hyped now! You know somebody is hyped when they clap while they talk.
He: “So (CLAP), I’m about to show y’all how (CLAP) we (CLAP) do(CLAP) it. Don’t worry I’m going to show (CLAP) ya’ll a good (CLAP) assed time (CLAP). Ya’ll won’t have to worry about nothing. Ya’ll (CLAP) with(CLAP) me(CLAP).”
Us: **Without moving, we smile nervously and make PERIPHERAL eye contact with each other**
He: (Towards me) Can you toss me those shorts behind you?
Me: **looks over my shoulder, reaches behind and tosses shorts as if I were playing catch with an old, partially blind, lame dog**
He: “Yeah, these are my lucky shorts…I’m wearing these because I might get lucky tonight, hahaha.” **Does an about-face and takes one step into the bathroom**
Us: **We turn to each other and bust out laughing** “Girl, is this real life?”, I ask before being startled when he hops out the bathroom wearing a XXXX SMALL white t-shirt over a white tank, a pair of jeans with his belt buckle, resembling a page from a pop-up book, purposely situated over his left pocket. Now he’s about 4 foot and 11 13/16 inches tall and built like he’s been serving 25 to life.
He: “These my kicks right here. Ya’ll don’t know nothing about these. These are fresh to def!” **reaches underneath the bed and pulls out a pair a gym shoes that looked like some damn Heelys!!!**
We are in utter shock and at a total loss of words at this point. As he bends over to put on these damn Go! Diego Go!, Reebok Pumps with the lights and shock bubble sneakers, when **knock, knock**, “‘Ellooo”, in walks Thing 2 looking like the Ringmaster of the f**king Barnum and Bailey Circus!!!!
By now, I must have the Michael Jackson Thriller zombie eyes from the look of sheer disbelief!!
(to be continued)…