// Republica Dominicana - el Fin! LOL//

So…. Anyway… [yeah I picked up the story from months ago as if I never stopped lol]

Thing 2 enters the utility closet and all I saw was RED - not from anger - but from his WHOOOOLE outfit being red except his jeans. Although he wasn’t wearing a MULTITUDE of accessories unlike his counterpart, each one he wore had a unique - shall we say FLARE - to it. I’m not sure if I should start from the top or bottom….hmm, let me build a foundation:

RED! PATENT! LEATHER! SHOES!!!

Yes, let’s start with THAT minor detail folks…red. patent. leather. shoes…oh the horror! The inhumanity! The injustice! But I’ll keep going…

The jeans were just some jeans, nothing noteworthy HOWEVER!!! His belt looked like a prison art project…something like interwoven comic strips with a scotch tape overlay; then again, it looked like an assortment of 1 sq. cm ceramic tiles of every imaginable color neatly glued in rows of a MILLION!!! I’ll call it (pause) a kaleidoscope belt! Moving on…

The T-shirt was an inch from a cap-sleeve…or shall we say…a baby tee! In RED of course. The interesting detail was the Mardi Gras assortment of chains, necklaces and rosary beads…yes mm-hmm wooden rosary beads… with Jesus on the cross…wearing the infamous crown of thorns and a loin cloth…yes mm-hmm, among the chains and necklaces…and I say necklaces to indicate they were slightly longer than a choker…

And we’re walking…

STOP at the earrings with his name on them…not one but a pair…with his name… to match the jewelry that matches that belt that matches the shoes that matches his baby tee that matches…his…hat *catching my breath*

At this point, my eyes are stretching BEYOND peripheral range trying to make contact with my friend. Before I know it, she sarcastically says: “Oh this is nice” as she rubs the beads as i she’s rubbing for the Savior’s mercy upon us! LOL He responds: “Yeah, I like to keep Jesus close to my heart”

OH…oh ok *blink, blink*

Me Thinking: At the club…at all times…close to your heart…yeah

In the meanwhile, Thing 1 is blinged out like a disco ball and eager to show us a good time. He’s sprayed cologne on every part of his body except his damn eyelids. Expecting the worst, we, being good sports, stepped out the door, escorted by Thing 1 and Thing 2 with the hopes of at least getting a good drink!

WRONG!

We get to the club and had to pay our way in…they, on the otherhand got in for free with their resort employee badge BUT GET THIS! With our paid admission, we each got a drink ticket. They present the following deal: “Why don’t you give us the drink ticket and we’ll just buy your drinks”. Sounds fair right?

WRONG!

There were no seats, only booths which were only available with drink service. Okay, now we’re getting somewhere. The waitress shows us the menu and they tell us to pick something…anything we like…my friend points to Dom Perignon…WHY??? LMAO Thing 2, used his index finger to cut off the top three choices; we chose the second from the top - Moet. Just our luck: they’re out! Our next selection was available and delivered to our table. At this point, I wanted my drink ticket back. This bubbly, grape-flavored drink lead to a headache and a upset stomach, yech!!!!

FAST FORWARD»»

I figured dancing might help the night, after all, the music was pretty good. A mix of American and Dominican music that kept the crowd hype.  All was going well in the Land of WTF until this lunatic started dancing like a Magic City stripper!!! All I saw was back and booty popping. I didn’t know whether to make it rain or make a run for it! I maintained my cool and made my way back to booth where my friend was getting a lapdance - 2 Live Crew style - from Thing 1. Yes, mm-hmm, with the rosary beads on…at all times…close to his heart!! LOLOLOL

We ended the night with fake yawning and telling them we were leaving very early in the morning.

We saw Thing 1 the next day on our way out…he asked could he keep in touch. No habla espanol mi amigo! LOL

#DoneWithThatIsh!!

// Yo, ho, ho and a Bottle of Rum - Volumen Dos//

So I don’t really like to label people stupid… unless they are…and they WERE. This HAS got to be one of the craziest things I have experienced thus far. Read on…

So we agree to let Thing 1 (Stupid Is) and Thing 2 (Stupid Does) accompany us. Now, being the two Detroit savvy ladies that we are, we were dressed appropriately, and by appropriately I mean, we were cute but we had on some “let’s get the F*ck up outta here (GTFOH)” shoes on for just in case we had to get the F*ck up outta there. LOL BUT THOSE TWO!!!! -Think The GoodFellas meets Soulja Boy…..YES seriously.

Let me paint this picture for you **pulls out my painter’s palette like Bob Ross (you know Bob, the painter on PBS…the white guy with the afro…yeah, him)**

Landscape: All four of us took a cab from the resort but made a pit stop so they could change clothes. Thing 1 kept stating that he was going to show us his “Luggs-jou-ree” (luxury) apartment after which he repeated several times, “because I aint no bum ass” OOOOKKAAAYYYY O_o. Meanwhile, I observe an armed guard at the security gate as we drive up. Not to mention, the guard confiscated the taxi driver’s license before we entered this “compound”. I’m thinking, “WTF did we get ourselves into?” So here we come to our first crossroad -Do we chance it and sit in the cab while they change with a driver that doesn’t speak ANY English OR do we step inside with them? We decided to see these so-called luxury apartments which looks like a Red Roof Inn so far…

Brushstroke Detail: So he proudly invites me and my friend in like we’re about to step foot into the Taj Mahal, only to stop dead in our tracks when we realize it was more like Hakim & Semmi’s “plush” apartment in Coming to America. I mean I literally took one and a half strides and came to a HALT when I realized that I could see the bed, couch, coffee table, two barstools, bookshelf/makeshift bar stand, sink, cupboards and HOTPLATE from where I was standing…AT THE DOOR! The only other, dare I say, room was the bathroom which was steps away from the front door. He motions for us to have a seat on the couch -two paces to the left -and to “excuse his place”.

EXCUSE HIS PLACE??? Excuse this utility closet! Oh, excuse me, Luggs-jou-ree apartment!

Brushstroke Detail: **dips my brush in a new color** He’s hyped now! You know somebody is hyped when they clap while they talk.

He: “So (CLAP), I’m about to show y’all how (CLAP) we (CLAP) do(CLAP) it. Don’t worry I’m going to show (CLAP) ya’ll a good (CLAP) assed time (CLAP). Ya’ll won’t have to worry about nothing. Ya’ll (CLAP) with(CLAP) me(CLAP).”

Us: **Without moving, we smile nervously and make PERIPHERAL eye contact with each other**

He: (Towards me) Can you toss me those shorts behind you?

Me: **looks over my shoulder, reaches behind and tosses shorts as if I were playing catch with an old, partially blind, lame dog**

He: “Yeah, these are my lucky shorts…I’m wearing these because I might get lucky tonight, hahaha.” **Does an about-face and takes one step into the bathroom**

Us: **We turn to each other and bust out laughing** “Girl, is this real life?”, I ask before being startled when he hops out the bathroom wearing a XXXX SMALL white t-shirt over a white tank, a pair of jeans with his belt buckle, resembling a page from a pop-up book, purposely situated over his left pocket. Now he’s about 4 foot and 11 13/16 inches tall and built like he’s been serving 25 to life.

He: “These my kicks right here. Ya’ll don’t know nothing about these. These are fresh to def!” **reaches underneath the bed and pulls out a pair a gym shoes that looked like some damn Heelys!!!**

We are in utter shock and at a total loss of words at this point. As he bends over to put on these damn Go! Diego Go!, Reebok Pumps with the lights and shock bubble sneakers, when **knock, knock**, “‘Ellooo”, in walks Thing 2 looking like the Ringmaster of the f**king Barnum and Bailey Circus!!!!

By now, I must have the Michael Jackson Thriller zombie eyes from the look of sheer disbelief!!

(to be continued)…

// Yo, ho, ho and a bottle of Rum.//

(DISCLAIMER: This story may not be suitable for my MALE audience..but you know what, on second thought, you need to read about the UNIVERSAL blunders of men. Scroll down to ***)

So, no, I’m not a pirate but I did take a voyage to the Dominican Republic this April and I LOOOOVED….the resort.

My daily routine consisted of floating across the pool, marveling at the sight of the sun and the moon both visible at midday. I indulged in delectable dishes of worldly cuisines washed away with premium blends of rum and cognac. At night, I pleasured in the sounds of the ocean as its waves ebbed and flowed along the beach. For the first time in a long time, I viewed the stars and constellations, seemingly picturesque, twinkling brightly in the midnight sky. I was warmly greeted by the staff and had all of my needs tended to, anytime -day or night. Beautiful, huh?

But CMON NOW! You know that’s GOT to be to the “overlay for the underlay”!!! You know ANY experience with me would NOT be complete without a WTF episode. I mean, at minimum, it’s rated “Hell Naw” due to indecent behavior. So you KNOW!! 5 Days in the Dominican???? <ahem> Dim the lights please.

*Starts the old school 2-reeled film projector*

To start, there’s Bernardo. The poolside bartender with a smile so mischievous, your hair would sweat out just from looking at it too long. Mmm!! His linen uniform draped his body in a manner that revealed alllll the contours of his muscular physique. His eyes glistened -either from the deflection of the sun’s rays upon the pool OR from them nips of rum I saw him sipping from that lil shot glass behind the bar, lol - in either case, this man was FINE. Stomp your foot Fine Mmm!…Dominican but with a 7mile/Evergreen barbershop fade and line-up Fine…That *giggle, giggle* batting your eyelashes Fine…that Ayyy Papi, Talk that ES-PAN-OL FINE!!! But come to find out, all that FINE was for Los ChicOs, no chicAs!!! Repetir por favor… YES! That’s right! Bernado was GAY. “He no likey girls”, so I was told. “He’s 50/50”

Ain’t that a !!! All that stomping, giggling and eyelash batting I DID?!?! LOL After I recovered from such devastation, I gathered my composure and continued to enjoy the sights…and I ain’t talking about the starry sky or the ocean either! When I say those men were GORGEOUS!! *sips my ice water*… Yeah I was on vacation and was Extra flirtatious -  “Yeah, yeah…I’ma email you… yeah, no foreal…I am. Si! Gracias! Adios! Hasta leugo!” I had a blast but after being in the resort for 4 straight days, it was time for something different, different sights, different sounds, different people. I suggested a club and two of the staff members kindly offered to take us to one which was pretty safe and frequently attended by the tourists. Now, it started with 8 of us going but when it came down to it, it was me and my girl. We figured, “Hey, What’s the worst the could happen”….

***Enter “Stupid Is” and “Stupid Does”… (to be continued)