// Yo, ho, ho and a Bottle of Rum - Volumen Dos//

So I don’t really like to label people stupid… unless they are…and they WERE. This HAS got to be one of the craziest things I have experienced thus far. Read on…

So we agree to let Thing 1 (Stupid Is) and Thing 2 (Stupid Does) accompany us. Now, being the two Detroit savvy ladies that we are, we were dressed appropriately, and by appropriately I mean, we were cute but we had on some “let’s get the F*ck up outta here (GTFOH)” shoes on for just in case we had to get the F*ck up outta there. LOL BUT THOSE TWO!!!! -Think The GoodFellas meets Soulja Boy…..YES seriously.

Let me paint this picture for you **pulls out my painter’s palette like Bob Ross (you know Bob, the painter on PBS…the white guy with the afro…yeah, him)**

Landscape: All four of us took a cab from the resort but made a pit stop so they could change clothes. Thing 1 kept stating that he was going to show us his “Luggs-jou-ree” (luxury) apartment after which he repeated several times, “because I aint no bum ass” OOOOKKAAAYYYY O_o. Meanwhile, I observe an armed guard at the security gate as we drive up. Not to mention, the guard confiscated the taxi driver’s license before we entered this “compound”. I’m thinking, “WTF did we get ourselves into?” So here we come to our first crossroad -Do we chance it and sit in the cab while they change with a driver that doesn’t speak ANY English OR do we step inside with them? We decided to see these so-called luxury apartments which looks like a Red Roof Inn so far…

Brushstroke Detail: So he proudly invites me and my friend in like we’re about to step foot into the Taj Mahal, only to stop dead in our tracks when we realize it was more like Hakim & Semmi’s “plush” apartment in Coming to America. I mean I literally took one and a half strides and came to a HALT when I realized that I could see the bed, couch, coffee table, two barstools, bookshelf/makeshift bar stand, sink, cupboards and HOTPLATE from where I was standing…AT THE DOOR! The only other, dare I say, room was the bathroom which was steps away from the front door. He motions for us to have a seat on the couch -two paces to the left -and to “excuse his place”.

EXCUSE HIS PLACE??? Excuse this utility closet! Oh, excuse me, Luggs-jou-ree apartment!

Brushstroke Detail: **dips my brush in a new color** He’s hyped now! You know somebody is hyped when they clap while they talk.

He: “So (CLAP), I’m about to show y’all how (CLAP) we (CLAP) do(CLAP) it. Don’t worry I’m going to show (CLAP) ya’ll a good (CLAP) assed time (CLAP). Ya’ll won’t have to worry about nothing. Ya’ll (CLAP) with(CLAP) me(CLAP).”

Us: **Without moving, we smile nervously and make PERIPHERAL eye contact with each other**

He: (Towards me) Can you toss me those shorts behind you?

Me: **looks over my shoulder, reaches behind and tosses shorts as if I were playing catch with an old, partially blind, lame dog**

He: “Yeah, these are my lucky shorts…I’m wearing these because I might get lucky tonight, hahaha.” **Does an about-face and takes one step into the bathroom**

Us: **We turn to each other and bust out laughing** “Girl, is this real life?”, I ask before being startled when he hops out the bathroom wearing a XXXX SMALL white t-shirt over a white tank, a pair of jeans with his belt buckle, resembling a page from a pop-up book, purposely situated over his left pocket. Now he’s about 4 foot and 11 13/16 inches tall and built like he’s been serving 25 to life.

He: “These my kicks right here. Ya’ll don’t know nothing about these. These are fresh to def!” **reaches underneath the bed and pulls out a pair a gym shoes that looked like some damn Heelys!!!**

We are in utter shock and at a total loss of words at this point. As he bends over to put on these damn Go! Diego Go!, Reebok Pumps with the lights and shock bubble sneakers, when **knock, knock**, “‘Ellooo”, in walks Thing 2 looking like the Ringmaster of the f**king Barnum and Bailey Circus!!!!

By now, I must have the Michael Jackson Thriller zombie eyes from the look of sheer disbelief!!

(to be continued)…

// Conversate is not a word!!!!//

I returned from Columbus this week and nothing noteworthy occurred, at least not dating-wise but the afternoon I make it home, I had a dinner date, connected with a friend who has lived on every continent in the past 12 months and an encounter of a strange kind.

The dinner date was kinda sorta interesting. I met this guy at a conference a few years ago and we’d managed to keep in touch on a professional level. As I walked in to the restaurant for our date, I noticed Godiva chocolate (yummy!) and an envelope. As we enjoyed our Caribbean inspired cuisine, I ask about treats being displayed. So in the envelope, there were tickets to a concert this Saturday! Recall that this is one of the “moves” I blogged about before. Niiiiice!!! He admitted that he had a crush on me for sometime and would like to “hang out” more often. I’m thinking, as long as you keep pulling moves like this, hell yeah we can hang out!!! LOL So we’ll see how this unfolds, he’s an older guy (about 12 years), a graduate from prestigious universities including MIT and has held executive positions at well known automotive and defense companies, BUT above all that, he has a great personality and good heart!

As for my friend who hails from Cambodia (I think that’s the last place he lived), we have only talked by phone but I am soooo looking forward to seeing him. We always have a good time and there has always been some romantic tension between us. We shall ALSO see how this unfolds.

The kicker for the night happened at Club Fridays. Actually, it’s just a TGIFridays restaurant that has become THEE local hangout. So as I step into the place, I felt a little overdressed, after all I was still wearing my work clothes and everyone else had on their “meat market” attire. I had resolved in my mind that I would enjoy my drink and leave but nooooooooooo. I get approached by this guy who was acting as if I needed his approval of my attractiveness. There’s only so many thank you’s for the same compliment. He starts with the usual conversation and I’m yawning on the inside. Now, don’t get me wrong, he was attractive but once he started talking, I was turned off.

So here we are in a crowded, loud bar and he’s trying to be the great hood philosopher when he struck a nerve -

He: So yeah, I mean, people shouldn’t always think just because we exchange numbers that we have to try to be in a relationship. I mean, we could just conversate every now and then.

Me (thinking): I won’t be “conversating” with your boring ass.

I just shook my head in agreement and continued sipping my Remy but the more he talked I noticed his mouth was moving as if he had metal shrapnel and popcorn seeds in his mouth. I was further turned off when he ordered two beers, drank from both like a kid keeping their friends from asking to have some, and then asked “You want a beer?”

Me (thinking): Hell naw I don’t want secondhand beer with yo’ cheap, talking like you got jiffy pop in your mouth, wanting to conversate ass! Newsflash: Conversate is not a word!

// Actions speak louder than…//

Often times, people describe their “perfect mate” in terms of physical, mental and social characteristics; but me, myself, personally, I (LOL inside joke, unless you get it too, lol) have started to formulate my mate in terms of actions.  With that being said, here are some of the actions that would make me fall in love!!!

1.  I travel frequently so I would be absolutely enthralled if my mate would drive me to and from the airport.  Extra points for putting in the effort to pay for short-term parking and waiting at baggage claim with a sign that says “Welcome Home”.

2.  My ”perfect mate” would recognize that sometimes I’m too busy to think straight, so he would just tell me to be ready for date at a particular time and date. The conversation might go something like this:

Me: (answering phone): Hello?

Him: Hey Baby, how’s your schedule on Saturday?

Me: Well, you know… I have a few things to be done but I can always make time for you? ((wink)) Why, what’s up?

Him: Well, I know you mentioned you wanted to go to that concert downtown so I got us some tickets. I’ll be over to pick you up at 8:15…oh yeah, wear that red dress that I like.

YESSSSSS!!!! (appropriate time to do the Fired Up dance! LOL)

3. Now, I’m an independant woman but I’d have to say not by choice.  I’ve become influenced mostly by my college experiences and my work environment. I work in a technical field and most of my colleagues are males who are 20-40 years my senior with a surburban/rural background.  I’m a young, fresh city girl with the right credentials, the right look, and a great sense of humor (did you hear a horn tooting? lol).  BUT I have to alter my ego at times and say: ”Hey, I got this!! I know what I’m doing, what I’m talking about and have the data right here! Now back the F’k up!! Don’t coddle or discount me because I’m woman.” 

(Dusting off my blouse, reapplying lipgloss and brushing my hair to the side) However, the downside to that aggressive behavior makes dating difficult.  Men sense that and they become intimidated because they don’t know how to handle me, but guess what guys? I like flowers, candy, a genuine compliment and hand-written notes but you know my simplest pleaure is???  To Be A Passenger In Your Car! Sounds crazy?  Nope, again, it a symbolic of him being in control and allowing me to be that submissive, demure lady.

4.  The Back-of-the-Neck Kiss - this move is almost always appropriate but most effective when I’m at the counter washing dishes.  Why? Because when women clean, we think and plot and plan. I could be thinking how I’m going to go off on the snappy little chic and my job for always running her damn mouth, or, I could be thinking how I’m going to tell the boss I need a raise, or maybe I could be thinking about how am I going to get that red dress dry-cleaned before Saturday for the concert and shop for new accessories but I got an expected bill in the mail.  But imagine in an instant, all the anxiety, stress and tension would be removed if he walked up behind me, put his arms around my waist and planted one right on the back of my neck.  Mmm-mm!!! Take me now!!! LOL

5. The last move, but not the final move and in no way more or less important than the other moves, would be to grab my hand and lead me in a crowded place.  (Drops the microphone and briefly walks away).  Such a simple gesture gives me the feeling of reassurance and security; that he cares for me and will protect me.  (pausing for an imagination break….)

I know you you may be thinking, what man DOESN’T do that and my answer is a lot of them!!! They are too preoccupied with the school of thought that if I buy her this, if I give her this, if I tell her this….she should be happy.  But really, honestly, truthfully…the best things in life are SIMPLE!! 

WORD TO THE WISE:  Don’t start this if you can’t keep it up!!!

Opinions or feedback?

// He: “Your voice makes me feel like Mr. President”//

…and you my friend, (purring) make me feel like the First Lady!!!!

WHEW!!

This is an excerpt of my conversation with a man who makes all my senses short circuit at once!!! I’m still trying to gather myself just to type this blog. Not only have I done the Fired Up dance!! No…that wasn’t enough, I performed a dance similiar to this guy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zymn6JmbhWw

Ok.. so.. (fanning my collar)…

Allow me to paint a picture:

I met a young man several years ago at a college pool party. He was a couple years younger than I but he was oh sooo (shifting in my seat), ahem, attractive. Being that we were at a pool party, of course I checked out his physique which was sculpted like a Roman statue (except for the fig leaf which was appropriately replaced by swim trunks). In retrospect, this was actually a GREAT place to meet someone…after all, where else do you have the excuse to not fix your hair, not wear makeup and dress in two pieces of cloth kin to underwear (well any public place anyway)???

So there begins our journey and a journey it has been! I only saw him in the summers and sometimes around the New Year because he attended school out of state and played basketball in international leagues. Each summer was sooo explosive!!! We would hang out until the wee hours and he always made me feel welcome in his home - like I was the woman of the house. We never verbalized our “commitment” to each other, it was only expressed. Over time, I was slowly introduced to his friends and he met mine - the beginning of something more serious. It always reached a peak, then it was time for him to go.

We played this cyclical pattern for many years until one day I told him to stop calling so late. I was sooo caught up in a relationship at that time, I “put him on the shelf”, as he so stated. I knew I had messed up. The silence of his voice, followed by an “OK” said it all. The next day, I called to apologize and tell him I reacted that way because my boyfriend was standing there but he never answered the phone…or my texts…or my emails. He…just…stopped…calling.

I was devastated!!! He was my summer breeze, my sweet rendevous, my everything without EVERYthing…and then he disappeared. No calls, no texts, no emails; I thought of writing a letter but it seemed too desperate. I had to chalk it up as a loss and a great loss no less. BUT HONEY!!!!!! FACEBOOK SAVED MY LIFE!!

I had searched for him before, but one day it dawned on me to search by the nickname is friends called him and VOILA!!!!!! There he was in all his lusciousness and maturity. I melted…literally…no, seriously… I was sitting at my desk and my body starting oozed out of the chair until I slid too far, then I tried to scoot back up but the chair was rolling from under me so I had to turn over on all fours, stand up and sit back down. So, after I got up, I got my nerves together to send a simple message: “Hey Stranger. Hope all is well.” That was January.

I opened my inbox on Thursday and the sight of his picture made me drop my phone. I couldn’t believe it. He responded, WITH A NUMBER!!!!! I was in disbelief for about two days and finally called. It was like old times. I told him that I missed him like every 45 seconds.

So today I called and we made plans to see each other. He said he’d be in town for a while so, as a warning, this blog may become the chronicles of my summer breeze…… Nahhhhh I’ll always have a crazy story. Wait til I give my next installation of the Ice Cream Man…. Yeah he’s still trying

// [Insert “Good Humor Ice Cream” music here]//

Heee’s Baaaaaaack. The Ice Cream Man. (see blog entitled, “Do You Like Ice Cream?”)

And if the title of this blog rings with a nostalgic tone, it should…with all puns, innuendos and double entendres intended.  The Ice Cream Man is old, remember? LOL

And recall if you will, without my response about ice cream, he sent an email the next day asking “If I could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?”

My answer should have been: “As far away for you as possible!”

Instead it read:  “Good Morning, The answer to yesterday’s question: yes. Are these questions part of a trivia pack?”

His reply: “Yes, how’d you know? And don’t try to guess ahead”

Me (thinking) “Ha! This is f*cking worst than I thought.  First he starts with ice cream, now he’s got a ‘Use these dumba** trivia questions in case of a dating emergency’ pack.”

I didn’t even reply. On one hand I was curious to see the next question, on the other, I thought he’d disappear.

The next day…

Him: “Do you have less than 10 children?”

Me (thinking): “I work where you work. IF I DID HAVE MORE THAN 10, would I be here? If I had less than 10, say maybe 8 or 9, would it make a difference? Hmm, this is a yes or no question which means he must really have a deck of questions and clearly doesn’t have them all (pa duh dum – that’s my punchline drumroll) ”

I furiously typed as if I worked in accounting: “Where are we going with this line of questioning?” 

Besides, I didn’t want to be bombarded and interrupted everyday.

He replies with an apology and “enjoy your day”.  I flipped my monitor the bird, lol.

Which brings us to today…

Normally I would transcribe the conversation, but I’m still trying to figure out what the hell he saying.  I could make out that he got nervous after my last email and he managed to ask me if I’d like to go to dinner some time.  But before you ask…Yes he speaks English, no there wasn’t static in the line and no, we weren’t on cell phones in a bad area…

His voice so damn shaky and choppy from still being nervous, it sounded as if he was talking through a cheap box fan, you know that one that’s so cheap you can only turn it on low because if you turn it on high it will wobble and fall over and you know because you’ve done it a few times, each time trying to prop it up with random household objects, but one day it tipped over and the grill cracked and kept hitting the blades so you finally took the grill off so it wouldn’t sound like somebody lit a string of cheap firecrackers..you know the kind in the red paper and you could buy like 10,000 for a dollar…. yeah it sounded like he was talking through THAT fan and maybe he kept hitting his lips on the blades from getting too close on the exposed side.

YES! That’s how shaky and choppy his voice was.  I had to press the phone to my ear and squint my eyes just to hear that!

As for the dinner question, I told him: “I don’t date men from work but perhaps a friendly lunch in the cafeteria would be appropriate. “

I hope he doesn’t have a seizure trying to do that.

// So You Think You Can….//

The word for the day is CONFIDENCE.  I chose this word because it is the one element of anyone’s personality that will potentially allow them to get away with something that normally wouldn’t fly.

Case and point: Many moves ago (because I’ll break an apartment lease in a minute), I was on an appointment to view a place suggested by this guy I was seeing.  Now he and I had been out on a few occassions but we really weren’t vibin’ due to the fact that he was kinda square and “me, myself, personally” (inside joke) I like guys with an edge.  I mean, let’s face it, most ladies do against our better judgement, but in this case, here I am … trying to step out of the box hoping for a connection. WRONG!!!

Within about 10 minutes HE made a move that let me FURTHER know he wasn’t the one.  While we are strolling through the complex - might I add a “very obsure, in the back, I’m scared to come in and/or leave at night, who could possibly live here, did I just see a wolf run past me, is the property manager wearing a sleeveless flannel shirt and a pair of suspenders that are so old that the white elastic fibers are gathered at his shoulders while the remaining threads of fabric are hanging on for dear life around a broken button which wouldn’t be so bad except it’s riding in his asscrack like a thong [you know I hate man thongs, right? - refer to the blog entitled “Boxers…Briefs…THONGS?!?!] and, lastly, are those halloween decorations in the neighbors window but it’s June” complex - (remember HE suggested this place and on second thought, THAT would technically make it the FIRST wrong move).  So the SECOND wrong move occurs while we’re strolling through the complex. While the property manger is trying to explain the “amenities” of the property including a view of the wildlife (and at this point I’m wondering is he referring to the neighbors or the animals); this guy gives me a slap on the ass. Yep, in the middle of this nature trail of a community, he cuffs his hand, swings his arm like he’s throwing a curveball and slaps me on the ass.

So you think you can make that move, huh?

My head snapped around so quick with the evil eye, I think for a moment my brainstem detached from my spinal cord. He puts his hands up like we’re playing cops and robbers  and WHISPERS: “Sorry”.  I wrapped up the appointment with an “Um, excuse me but I need to get back to the office” - which let them BOTH know that I’m no longer interested.

The lesson in this story is that MAYBE, just MAYBE, if he had of responded with a look of CONFIDENCE, like “Yeah I did it, so what…” MAYBE I would’ve let him get away with it, it would have given him that “mmm, let me rethink this” edge. I mean, maybe that move would fly, but his lack of confidence, with all good intent, ended our dating streak.

So fellas, if you do something wrong and you’re confronted, this is not the time to second guess yourself. Stick your chest out, give her a firm look in the eye and say “Yeah I did it, so what”, only two things can happen: (1) you can clench your jaws and be prepared to get the sh*t slapped out of you (or another adverse action of a lesser kind) or (2) get ready for her to readjust her train of thought and let it fly.